You’ve twisted my arm!! And changed my life plan – again!!!

We went to the hospital today to discuss what went wrong with IVF #1 and to tell him how pissed off I was that they weren’t clear that we would only get 1 NHS funded cycle. AND that they didn’t give me any frozen egglets.

Before going in, DH and I had a plan. It’s not very glamorous, but it will get us to where we want to be a lot quicker than any other way. Living in the centre of London is NOT purse friendly. We spend over £2500 on rent and bills every month. We don’t have a great deal left to spend or save. So our plan is to move in with his parents. I can hear you all pitying me as I type this next sentence. I’m not actually sure how I’m going to cope. But what I do know is that we are both use to (and happy to) making short term sacrifices to better our future long term.

Moving in with his parents would allow us to save at least £2600 every month. We would only need to pay travel expenses, food and a small amount to the in laws.

If we stay there 18 months that’s at least £46k. That’s our deposit for our very first house (and hopefully our Rainbow Baby). I can’t even begin to tell you how much I despise renting!! If we don’t move in we are talking at least 8 years before we have enough money to buy. I don’t think its a question any more – were moving. As soon as our contract is up on our flat.

This plan is two fold – It was all about not starting another IVF cycle until we had moved out and can fully afford it (as to not add any extra stress). But this would mean not going back to Guys ACU and instead starting all over again in a different city.

The director of the clinic saw us today and he made us feel like he knew us. He was really nice. Although I wanted to shout at him and tell him about all of the flaws with the system and how he should have given us something to freeze.

I went in with my plan and 20 questions and he pretty much answered them in the first 2 mins without me needing to ask a thing. I’m going to add a page summarising IVF 1 along with the questions I had and the responses in case its of interest to any of you. But for now ill just say that we will be going back in a couple of months (once we’ve conjured the money from somewhere) the only difference being a lot more stims with the next cycle. He said he would keep us on the same protocol, that all my blood work was perfect and the only thing that wasn’t great with this cycle was the quality of the blastocysts. So he’s saying that with more stims comes more choice and quality and therefore higher chances of freezing. (I’ll go into more detail on the other page)

He has made me feel positive and that we should give this clinic one final chance. He has also changed my plan dramatically. We were also planning on getting married secretly next year but it looks like that will now be the year after! Yes I already call him DH but that’s because I absolutely hate calling him my boyfriend after 12 years!!! And it wouldn’t be secret secret, we would still invite our immediate families but they wouldn’t know about it until the day before!! I can’t wait to blog about that one.

Anyway, appreciate that was a bit of a ramble on. But my head is all over the place if I’m honest. I’ve changed my mind about “the plan” millions of times and I’m struggling to keep up.

If any of you have any nice successful IVF #2 stories I would be glad to hear them!!!



The beauty in the day before the end.

The day before the wicked AF arrived I was greeted with this beautiful sight.

Now I’ve had time to calm down and think about the things which are important I only now have a clear enough mind to understand the beauty in having the most vivid and complete rainbow arch over my house.

My rainbow baby will come. When the time is right. When we are ready. It will happen.


Impeccable timing dahhling


I suppose I should be greatly appreciative of the fact my period started in full on beast mode on my way to work this morning. Standing on a full bus with cramps rip roaring through my uterus is just how I wanted to spend my morning. Not to mention the white work skirt I had on. Good job I wasn’t sat down actually! Anyway….I suppose I should be grateful that it showed at all following the bfn on Monday. I’ve heard some horrific stories of it taking ages to come back after fertility treatment. Even though I must add Dr Google pretty much promised me I wouldn’t get a period at all and I would actually get my bfp 14dp5dt!! LOLOLOL I actually convince myself of these things!!

I am pretty down at the moment. I feel like I started this IVF journey with so much hope and excitement and I’m leaving it with so much confusion and millions more questions and no frozen embryos. I started out with a mild case of PCOS (still ovulating) and Male Factor. Now I leave with so so many more uncertainties about my body. Surely that’s not right? I don’t feel like I was fully informed of my choices going into this.

Complete change of topic now….this morning I had the misfortune to read of another bloggers abusive comment on one of her posts. This got me so so worked up!! Keep your small minded, quite frankly, pathetic opinions to yourself. I find it highly amusing that your life is so shit and boring that you’ve got nothing to do with your sorry sorry life other than to sit at your computer and pass judgement on peoples misfortune. I feel really sorry for you. You really must have a crappy existence if you’ve got to put down and judge those who want nothing more in the world than to cling to hope that they will one day be a mum. How dare you try and take that away from someone. I say try, because no matter how many comments you make, or how much of a horrible vile specimen you continue to be, we will continue to be here. Hoping, wishing, praying and smiling our way through regardless of all the adversity we face through our journey’s. Shame on you lady. I hope it made you feel better.

And that my friends is a tiny glimpse at how PMS takes hold of me. It also needed to be said.

Anyway, seeing the Clinic Director on Tuesday. I hope he’s ready! 😉



This sucks big time!!!

So….hmm….I took a test Sunday morning. It came up with the tiniest shadowiest, faintest line of all time. The test also took ages to come up, even the control line. I cried lots, as at 16 dpo the test should have been dark right. DH and I spent a lot of time cuddling on Sunday. I wanted to be going out buying pregnacare and bio oil. But no. I bought two more pregnancy tests. The one that afternoon was a big fat negative.

I took one this morning – BFN also.

What sucks with this, despite the obvious, Is that I think we will have to pay for the next round ourselves. Because we didn’t get any frosties!! 😦 The London borough we live in pays for one fresh and two FET transfers!!

I left a message with the clinic so now just a case of waiting for our “What the actual FUCK” appointment. This was not meant to happen. I’m 26, I’ve carried before, this was the best chance in 2 years my body has had at conceiving.

I’ve got a bucket load of questions for the consultant. I’m annoyed they were so cautious with me during stimulation.

Still – I could be one of those freaky people who don’t get a bfp until way into pregnancy though – couldn’t I?!! Yeah right, it’s amazing what I have consulted Dr Google on since the first BFN though!!

Right now – I hate my body – I hate this (in)fertility crap.

Funky cramping – 9dp5dt

Having some seriously weird cramping going on down there at the moment!! Like different to pre menstrual cramps, they’re sharp, intense and stop me in my tracks for 5 or so seconds, 2/3 times a day.!! Anyone else experienced this?

As well as the aforementioned, I’m feeling spaced out. It’s the only way I can describe it. Like a bit far away dizzy. I’m thinking this could be the progesterone. My boobs are less sore but they are now more achy and itchy than sore.

2 days until test day….I’ve survived the temptation to test. Mainly because I’ve been super busy with my projects at work , not that I haven’t thought about doing it though!

I’m off to see Wicked the musical now….in desperate need of a coffee but there’ll be none of that naughty business happening!!

2 days!! Eeeeek!!