4dp5dt aaaaand nothing!

Except for ridiculously sore boobs (which started immediately after the first progesterone) and the odd twinge down there. It’s so far uneventful. I’ve just been trying to relax and think positive. I bought myself a couple of books and have just been taking lots of me time.

Back to work tomorrow though, and that means the London Underground which stresses me out at the best of times. I’m going to take deep breaths, relax my shoulders and take gentle strides to work tomorrow and when I get to London Bridge to take the tube, I’m going to smile, think happy thoughts and try not to swear blind fits of rage (in my mind of course) at the annoying arsehole tourists who think its a good idea to start their days at the peak of rush hour, get lost and then stop walking suddenly in front of me causing me to barge into them or topple ungraciously into some other unsuspecting commuter!!

I’m just going to smile and take deep deep breaths! 🙂

The journey to PUPO!!! The catastrophes and the elation.

Apologies in advance for the long blog, I’ve been absent for a while. It’s blummin time consuming this IVF business!!! But trust me you’ll want to read this one. It’s been eventful!

The last time you heard from me was cycle day 8, and right now sitting here typing – I have a bundle of baby eggs in my oh so wonderful uterus!

After cycle day 8 i was upped to 225 Gonal f and I was next in for my cycle day 11 scan on Monday – this was the appointment from hell. I arrived at 8:30 and didn’t leave until 10:30!!! They kept forgetting I was there!!! Anyway after getting blood drawn unnecessarily and being told I wasn’t ready yet during the scan….I went to work.,.fuming!!! I was annoyed because they didn’t tell me how many follies or what size. And generally didn’t care that they were utterly incompetent!!

Back to the clinic on Wednesday for cycle day 13 scan and it was a MUCH better experience!! I went straight in….she told me how beautiful my endometrium was (which has happened at every scan now – I always say thank you even though I feel a bit awkward saying it!!). She also needed to pop out of the room quickly to see if they could get me booked in on Friday 20th for egg collection!!! Whaaaat!? That all went really quickly!! So sure enough she came back in and told me the rules for the next few days. Last Gonal f at 6:30, Ovitrelle trigger shot at 8:30 pm, nothing on cd 14, no food or drink from midnight on Thursday, then 1 hour before my 8:30am egg collection appointment on Friday I must stick the pain killer up my bum. There’s lots to do…nothing’s phasing me right now, not even the painkiller part!! Bring.It.On!!!

I do as I’m told and head to the clinic on Friday morning. I’m not even nervous like I thought id be!! I’m surprisingly calm. Excited even!

We are welcomed into the previously secret part of the clinic. We put our blue shoe covers on and valiantly stride towards our bed bay. We have the most stunning view over London. DH and I are pointing out landmarks; the London eye, St. Paul’s…..until we are interrupted by our nurse. I then gown up, I look dashing at this point with no bra and no make up but I still agree to a pic as a memento!

After filling out some more forms, DH is led away to another hidden part of the clinic to do

The deed

. I felt like running after him and giving him one final kiss because I didn’t know if I would see him again until I came round. They just took him from me, just like that. I mouthed “I love you” as he turned around with a nervous grin on his face and that was that. I sat there. Waiting.

It only felt like five minutes had passed and he was back in my little room. I looked at him shocked asking “is that it, are you done?” Feeling very proud. He nodded and then looked really scared and said “but I fucked up!”

Ermmm pardon? What does he even mean? How can you fuck something like this up.

He goes on to explain that he was that nervous, that when it came to finishing he dropped the cup!! OH MY GOD WHAT!!?! No! Please no! I gulped and said but you did get something right? He did but it wasn’t the first bit as he had wanted. He also half joked that he was also disappointed because he could have filled the cup if he got it all in. But he was devastated to say the least.

So – what happened next is I gave him a cuddle, told him everything was ok and that they only need a few good ones so not to panic. Inside I was a wreck, panicking, feeling sick and bawling my eyes out. Hoping, hoping beyond everything else that the embryologist would say everything was ok.

I was the very first one to be seen that morning. I walked into the room, laid on the weird bed thingy, was poked and prodded (which wasn’t straight forward either as the lady who put the cannula in my hand forgot to take the tourniquet off so blood went everywhere!!!! ) then sedated. Then I woke up being wheeled into the bay. I remember having an itchy face and hearing the word eleven and then I screamed out to DH asking if he had told someone about the incident!! LOL!! He reassured me this time and said yes.

Once I was a bit more awake our nurse came in and told us they had collected 11 eggs. I was happy with this number. It’s not the mega amounts I often read about, but it was enough. A short time after this, after eating biscuits and drinking coffee, the embryologist came in and told us the news on DHs sample. She has enough!! Thank you. Thank you Thank you. She has more than 11 good swimmers to go ahead with fertilisation. The relief in DHs face was evident. We cuddled some more, he told me how cute I looked, how proud he was of me and how he was so glad he saw me wake up from sedation because whilst I was under I had the biggest grin on my face. How funny. 🙂

The next day we got the call we had been waiting for. We held each other’s hand whilst we both pressed our ears against the phone as the lovely embryologist lady told us that all 11 eggs were beautiful and 7 of these had achieved fertilisation. They were really happy and so were we. All the trauma of the day before was over. A distant horrific memory. We would be aiming for a day 5 blastocyst transfer. Wednesday 25th. The anniversary of my grandmas passing. I couldn’t help but think of this as a perfect sign.

Transfer day was yesterday – I’m now off work – taking it easy with a little bundle of eggs in me. I shit myself at every twinge and ache, I’m walking around (well waddling) as if I’m 6 months pregnant ready to protect anyone or anything from coming near me. The transfer itself was the worst part of this whole experience in terms of discomfort. But the loveliest in terms of achievement and general reliefness. They through us a curve ball at the beginning though. Because we have 2 little eggies who have reached blast stage (one of them very early blast, the other 5 are a little behind but were going to give them a few more days to catch up) they told us that they want to transfer one, but we could have 2 transferred if we wished. My fist instinct was hell yeah – TWINS!! Put them both in – silly question. But DH and I talked it through and agreed that although it would increase chances of pregnancy by 5-10%, it would also increase the chances of miscarriage and further complications in pregnancy. After going through a miscarriage at 13 weeks 2 years ago we wanted to do everything we could to reduce these risks as much as possible.

So now here we are. Waiting for the call to see if blast number 2 is ready for freezing today! Fingers crossed we get a little frostie out of this too. I miss the injections, I miss the hectic appointment scheduling. This 2 weeks is going to be LONG!!

IVF 1 with ICSI – complete. Awaiting outcome.

I’m hoping to update you on 11/7 with the news we are most desperately wanting!!

Good luck to you all! X

PS – is it normal to have period like cramps before and after egg transfer. I swear my body was about to give me a period before they had chance to put little eggie back. X

Tears and tantrums

So here I am cycle day 8.

Things haven’t been so bad really. DH has been giving me the injections so I don’t pass out again!! I’m much braver when I don’t have to look at the needle!

I had been told to take 112.5 of Gonal f until cd 5 when I would go in to have bloods taken on the morning of cd6 so they could advise of any changes to my plan. Which I did – the nurse was rubbish taking my blood though – my arm still hurts!!. 12pm came and went, 1pm came and went, 4pm came and went with no phone call!!! No one from the hospital phoned me in the afternoon to tell me what I should my dose up or down to!!! I was so so so so angry!!! I cried on the way home from work! It feels like nobody is taking this seriously!! I even phoned the clinic at 9am to make sure they had the correct number for me as they’ve done this kind of thing previously. So the evening came and all I could do was take another 112.5 not knowing if this was going to jeopardise the cycle or not. It is safe to say I wasn’t very pleasant to be around that evening!!

I phoned the clinic at mid day the next day and told them how upset I was and asked what the next steps were as I had nothing else booked in. She advised I should start taking 200 Gonal f and I should have done last night too!!!!! I also had another appointment at 9 the following morning (today). Good job I rang then ay!!!?!

Luckily I am working from home today so 9am was fine for us both. We went and had more bloods and I had a scan. I seem to be progressing slowly but surely. I have about 15 follicles in total in the 10mm range. I think they’re going to put my dose up this evening and I will probably be back in on Sunday for another scan.

I can’t believe how quickly time goes when you’re taking meds.

Hopefully the clinic phones me in a few hours ( I saw they had the wrong number for me on my notes!! -they’ve changed that now ) and we have no more tears!

Fingers crossed theses little baby seeds have a growth spurt in the next couple of days.

Xxx

PS – started taking Cetrotide a couple of days ago!! Ouch – nothing like Gonal are they!!! Urghhhh!

Stupid over active brain!!!!!

Well the last week or so has been a bit of a whirlwind! We are beyond excited to finally start our first round of ICSI.

After finally receiving my meds (which by the way ruined my plan of not telling my sister what we are going through because of having to keep Gonal-F in the fridge!!! Well I told her a variation of the truth but hey it’s not her going through all this.) and getting booked in for the final nurses appointment we have arrived! Today is/was the day when we started taking our first lot of fertility drugs.

I stopped taking the contraceptive pill the morning of the nurses appointment as i kind of knew she was going to tell me to do that anyway and I had secretly hoped that by stopping it on Wednesday I was in at a chance of having my next appointment over a weekend!! No missing work!! It worked – CD1 came on Friday!! Yippee! I had never been so excited to have a period ever!! How ironic is it that we spend every month prior to IVF hoping, praying and wishing for that day not to come every cycle!!

So today (Saturday)….We had our appointment at 10:30. DH was definitely going to be at this appointment because he needed to listen carefully about how to administer the drugs. We were called into the nurses office, had yet another ultrasound (which looked ok as far as I’m aware) and were then taken through my regime. She told us that due to my increased risk of OHSS I’m on a relatively low dose of Gonal-F (112.5) she then went on to explain how to administer the injection. And then she asked me to do it!!

Woah!! I was NOT expecting that!!

I thought we would be doing that tonight in the comfort of our own home!!

However – I did it. It actually wasn’t that bad. Pain free and simple. Aren’t I good. She went on to explain the second type of injection I would have to take on CD7….then nothing. I passed out!! Yes you read that correctly!!

I passed out!!!

The shock/adrenalin/sheer fear of what I had just done hit me like a brick wall and my brain did what it does best…it was shutting down!!! I warned them both as I stuck my head between my legs!!! The walls and ground were disappearing out of view. After a minute or so I felt a bit better so I asked her to continue talking us through the rest of it…and then it happened again. This happened 3 or 4 times and then she insisted I go lie down in a bed next door!! So shameful!

How embarrassing!!

Has this happened to anyone else?? Please tell me it happens all of the time.

So we finally finished our appointment a little later than usual and headed home with an AMT Hot Chocolate with all the works! I needed the sugar 😉

It’s now Sunday and DH woke up with a massive grin on his face. He can’t wait for tonight’s Gonal F administration!

So there we are!! I have my next check up on Wednesday where they will take blood and scan my lovely follies. Fingers crossed everything goes ok.

While I’m here – quick question – is there anything I should or shouldn’t do to help the little eggies grow? I’ve seen a few of you do acupuncture…anything else?

Thanks for reading

Xxx

It’s really happening!!!

I was SUPPOSED to have my nurses appointment last Wednesday. I had a call on Wednesday afternoon asking where I was. Ermmm “sorry”!?? I’m sat at home doing some work. Apparently they had me booked in but hadn’t told me!?! This makes me nervous. She said she had been calling my name in reception for ages!! If they can make a mistake booking someone in for an appointment then is there hope for the other stuff?? I asked her about the drugs delivery and she said I should have already received these!!?! Great communication guys!!! All of this after losing my paperwork at my last hospital appointment!!? Am I jinxed?

A couple of calls later and I’d been rebooked in and my drugs were on the way.

My meds are getting delivered on Tuesday, I have my nurses appointment on Wednesday and then I’ll get told when to stop taking the pill and when to start injecting.

I can say it out loud all day long but it still really hasn’t registered. STILL living in a world of denial. I’m looking forward to the delivery I think this might shock me into accepting what is happening. I make a habit of disassociating myself from stressful things. It’s like it’s happening to someone else and I’m watching from the outside. My brain just shuts down. What a coping mechanism!!

Looking forward to updating you all next week! I hope things start going more smoothly!!

X

See ya later Cyril!!!

We are all clear and good to go.

Despite my month long ovary twinges Cyril has packed his bags and disappeared!! The cyst is no longer!!!

The appointment this morning didn’t get off to a good start, they couldn’t find our paperwork so I had to explain why we were there. Luckily she believed me and inserted the magic penis wand to check out my ovaries. She seemed happy even though there’s no doubt of my polycysticness now she can actually see my 12+ follicles on my left ovary. Still not sure how to feel about the whole PCOS thing. I’d just assumed we would only have the funny sperm to worry about, not dodgy ovaries too.

So I’ve phoned the ACU hotline to tell them I would like to get going and order my medication!!

Yey!/Gulp!!!! Excitement/shitting myself!!!

Someone will be in touch to arrange. I’m going to start scouting a suitable hiding place for the sharps bin in my house (We have my sister living with us at the moment and she knows nothing about what we are going through).

The clinic seemed smaller in size and less impressive overall today! I was less judgey of the people in the waiting room too…I felt part of the same club! Go me!!

The adventure continues…..

Xxx

Oh you have a cyst!!

This feels like a dirty secret. We have told nobody. When people ask why I’m going to the hospital I tell them its related to the miscarriage I had a couple of years ago, and they don’t ask any more questions. It’s not the truth but I suppose it’s not a million miles away from it.

So yesterday saw our IVF journey begin. It feels really weird saying that, as it really doesn’t feel like that’s what we are going through. I think I’m still in denial that this is the way the long baby making road has taken us.

Sat in the waiting room at Guys ACU were a number of couples who LOOKED like they belonged there (in the nicest possible way). They were middle aged, they were married, they looked liked they had been there before. We didn’t tick any of those boxes. Being a 25 and 27 long standing girlfriend and boyfriend we had decided we wanted to try a few years ago. And 1 miscarriage and numerous tearful uneventful months later…still…no mini me. So the investigations began and here we were, filling out a range of forms, signing away all our rights, agreeing with things I barely understood. But it’s what we were expected to do right? Everyone ticked yes. Expect for the research part, I ticked no to that and felt a sudden swell of guilt after doing so. Why? We wouldn’t be here without the generosity of those who ticked yes in that box.

So here we were in the waiting room trying to fit in, chatting quietly, about how unlike an NHS service this was. With its grand shiny entrance and squishy chairs and sofas and coffee machine. I couldn’t help but sit there and make back stories up in my head about all the other couples who sat there. How many years they had been trying, what the problem was and those that were there by themselves were obviously donors! I wonder what our story was…I wonder if any of them were close to the truth!?

Finally…..our names were called. Yes, here we go, we will get our medication get a tick list and be on our way. Oh no, how wrong I was!? Why am I so naive?

The consultant took us through all the ins and outs of the treatment – which I smiled and nodded through not understanding the majority of what she said. I remember thinking “I really hope they remind me to do all of this stuff, there’s too many things to do!!!” Then came, “so if you can just pop behind this curtain and undress completely from the waist down”!!! Errmm WHAT? Aren’t they meant to warn you about things like this?? I would have “prepared” myself. I’m sure the biggest worry of someone having an internal pelvic ultrasound should not be “I wish I shaved my legs last night!!” There must have been at least a weeks growth in them. I spent most of the examination trying to keep the sheet of “modesty” paper over my legs!! How shallow! I’m sure the consultant has seen worse (hopefully – I don’t like the thought of being the talk of the staff room).

And then – just as she was getting ready to start. The boyfriend pops his head around the curtain “so what’s going on, what scans this then? Can I watch?!” Ha, oh god that’s so typical of him, so nosey!!! “As long as your wife doesn’t mind?” Chirped the consultant (she keeps calling him my husband and me his wife, I don’t feel it right to correct her, I actually quite like it). I shoot him the look out of the view of the consultant and nervous giggle “of course I don’t mind” (But did I really have a choice at this moment in time).

She takes lots of pictures and shows me the screen pointing out various images of grey and black expecting me to know what I was looking at. Apparently my womb is nice. Good to know. And I have ovaries too, with a few follicles. But then “Oh, see that there, you have a cyst” came the consultant. A what!!?! Why?! “But don’t worry I think that’s where you ovulated from” (too late I am worrying – who wants a cyst!?)
“Has anyone ever said anything to suggest you have PCOS?”
Well actually they have. I went on to explain I have had my suspicions for years but nobody could definitely tell me that’s what I had. Apparently that’s because I’m not a 20 stone woman with a beard. So in the space of 5 minutes this magic consultant was able to tell me what I had been trying to find out definitively for over 10 years.

But this changes things. We have to be put on a short protocol (which isn’t the “normal” route. I so desperately just want to be standard through this process). I have to take the pill for a month (doesn’t that contradict the very reason I am in this place?) and then go back at the end of May to see if my new friend has disappeared. I swear I can feel it prodding me from the inside now.

So that’s it, once my second scan comes back all clear (thinking positive) we can start a month from then, which will be the end of June. I’ve never been so excited to take daily injections before ever. I’m so excited Ive even worked out our baby (who isn’t even conceived yet) will be born at the end of March 2015!! How wanted this baby is! We left the centre feeling hopeful, like we were on our way (minus my dignity and a few vials of blood).

So for those of you about to start a similar journey….shave your legs!!